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By Mary Stathos

It’s here! What you have all been desperately waiting for! What you should buy your cats during this tender, joyful holiday season!

First on the list – Mittens Morsels: Poultry & Beef Entrée 

Promising review: I started buying this a few months ago after finding that my cats, despite screaming for canned food, only took two licks of the stuff before flicking their tails and walking away. Even though they never particularly liked their Fancy Feast, they adamantly demanded it every morning by screeching at me next to my bed.

Now that I’ve bought Mittens Morsels: Poultry & Beef Entrée, my cats repeatedly slap me in the face at exactly 5:45 a.m. and do not stop until I get up to feed them. After I go back to bed and try to rest for an additional 45 minutes to an hour, my cats “forget” that they have already eaten and demand another can. Sometimes they are so convincing that I wonder if I somehow dreamed that I already fed them. By 2:00 p.m., they are clawing at my legs and running to their bowl if I even think about getting up off the couch. My life is a constant hell that revolves around my seemingly starving cats. I love it! I can’t wait to buy more!

Next up – The Lay ‘N’ Play Track toy

Promising review: I bought this because my cats had become bored with several of their other toys and kept lodging their ping pong balls under the radiator. I thought that having the ball on a track would keep them occupied – and it does. 

The Lay ‘N’ Play Track makes a soothing plastic on plastic sound CONSTANTLY when it is in use. My cats use it for up to two minutes at a time before getting frustrated that they can’t get the ball out and then launch the entire thing across the room. My downstairs neighbors think that the clanging sound is just joyful at 3:30 a.m. and I couldn’t agree more. 

The best part is that the inside of the “lay” part is filled with catnip, which means that your cats will be tempted to rip it to shreds! You’ll always be picking up little pieces of woven fabric. Your apartment will never be clean again. You will be sweeping constantly and always dread the idea of having guests in your home! SO glad I made this purchase!!!

Thirdly – SmartyKat Loco Laser Cat Toy – Gray

Promising review: Do your cats drive you absolutely insane and demand constant stimulation? The SmartyKat Loco Laser Cat Toy in gray is the perfect toy to send your cats running around the house like maniacs until they quickly realize that it is just as much fun to watch you move the light around as it is to chase it. Your cats will quickly be conditioned to associate the clicking sound of the laser turning on with fun-filled entertainment. It sounds just like any other clicking sound you might find in your home so get ready to have your cats running towards you like animals every time you start typing on your keyboard, put a cup on the table, light your stove, or basically anything else that makes even remotely the same sound! I cannot say this enough – I am living in a constant hell!

Still looking for more? – Target Brand Cotton Swabs: Regular Compare to Q-Tips® (pack of 500)

Promising review: I have literally tried EVERYTHING under the sun to keep my cats entertained and nothing (and I mean NOTHING) has ever entertained my cats more than Target Brand Cotton Swabs: Regular Compare to Q-Tips® (pack of 500). I sit on my bed and lightly toss them one by one onto the floor while my cats leap around for them. I’ll throw maybe 50 for them before I am having an existential crisis about the mess that has been made in my apartment. By now, the Target Brand Cotton Swabs: Regular Compare to Q-Tips® (pack of 500) are in every nook and cranny of my apartment. Every time I clean, I find maybe five or 10 that I missed when I cleaned them up after their last play session. They are EVERYWHERE.

The upshot is that my cats end the game fully satisfied and prepared to rest, and I have an endless to-do list that mostly just involves crouching on the ground in search of the swabs I have thrown all over the ground for about 20 minutes total of cat entertainment.

And saving the best for last – Novogratz Brittany Sofa Futon, Premium Linen Upholstery and Wooden Legs, Mustard Linen

Promising review: You thought this stylish midcentury futon was an aesthetic piece for your new apartment?! Think again! This delicately woven linen is screaming “scratch the shit out of me” to your cats! “Snag every thread” it cries! 

“Louder!!!” it calls out to them at 2:30 a.m., just as you were starting to fall asleep despite their clamoring. You’ll be trimming the snags off of this thread every time you sit down to relax and watch trashy reality TV. No scratching post in the world can compare to the satisfaction of a cat sinking their claws into this mustard linen upholstery. The true selling point for me, though, was that the height of the sofa is perfect for your cats to climb underneath and rip the bottom open while they claw around like absolute psychopaths. A must buy!

If this isn’t enough, try this! – Charmin Ultra Strong Mega Roll

Promising review: It might make a disastrous mess that is too dense to vacuum but hear me out! It is SILENT. Your cats can rip it apart all night while you finally get more than one consecutive hour of sleep. You might faintly hear the noise of them shredding it, but it is in fact quite soothing and can blissfully be ignored until 5:45 a.m. when they are slapping you in the face for food. 

Mary Stathos is Talk Vomit’s creative editor, as well as a therapist. She takes a lot of photos of her cats and calls her mom every day.

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