nobody’s answering me, i just wanted to ask you something: a collection of borderline thoughts

Talk Vomit Avatar

By Mary Stathos

How do you know?

i would like to stop crying in bars when the music gets too loud. i would like to go on a hike without having to stop to take my medicine. i would like people to see how hard i am trying even when i am doing bad.

are you mad at me?

one time i was crying in my bed and i told my cats i didn’t want to be sad anymore.

at my fourth grade halloween party i dressed up as penelope taynt from the amanda show and everybody thought i was harry potter so when i went trick or treating i wore butterfly wings from a costume i still had from two years before.

are you sure?

when my cat died two years ago i contemplated suicide.

i want to believe in god but i don’t know how.

two of my exboyfriends have told me i peaked during our relationships so i’m really not sure when i peaked.

one of them used my email when he signed up for a crepe rewards program and now i get gift cards every two weeks. i’m concerned about how many times he goes to paris creperie.

i wonder if he still licks plates in restaurants.

when i forget to take my medicine, i feel lonely but when i take it i don’t. i’m not sure which one i’m supposed to feel.

how do you know when the dish is clean?

i stayed in bed for two days after my parents got divorced. it was easter weekend. now on easter weekend me and my sister go out and get drunk and talk about our parents. my therapist says it isn’t a healthy way to cope but it feels like it is.

are you mad at me?

i only get upset anymore when i’m alone at night and have a lot of homework. i don’t know how to stop procrastinating.

are you sure?

i got bullied in fifth grade for having hairy legs so i started cutting my leg hair with nail clippers and my mom found me doing it one time and showed me how to shave my legs and said she was sorry.

don’t look at me.

in tenth grade people called me mary stashtos because of my upper lip hair. i tried nair and burnt my face and people made fun of me more.

sometimes when i’m driving i think about my parents and i listen to this song we all used to sing and bang along on the steering wheel like my dad used to and i cry.

my therapist told me he is proud of me.

i’m sorry that i cried because you couldn’t hang out last night. i know you’re busy. i just really wanted to do something.

do my cats know that i am coming home when i leave for work? do they miss me when i’m gone?

i worked at target for six shifts and i hated it so i called and quit and the manager didn’t even know who i was and asked me to call back another time when he could figure it out but i didn’t so online it still says that i work there.

are you mad at me? are you sure?

Mary Stathos is Manqué’s photo editor, as well as a grad student studying counseling psychology. She takes a lot of photos of her cats and calls her mom every day.

We began without any seed money and rely on reader support to fund our operations. This includes costs like managing our website, hosting our podcast, as well as our mission to begin paying contributors.

If you like what we do, believe in platforming conversations about literature and mental health, and want exclusive access to bonus content, please consider joining our Patreon.

One-time contribution

Make a one-time contribution to Manqué. You may donate as many times as you’d like.


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: